Taking An Oath

One week ago I was wrapping up the Undergraduate Interfraternity Institute (UIFI) for Purdue University. There were many "a-ha" moments for me during the week - many in individual conversations, lots in the small group discussions, some in the large group presentations I was leading, and several overheard whispers. One that particularly stood out to me came over Twitter...

"No one takes an oath to be average.",    chapter 8. #uifi2013

We are organizations that invite us to membership with a pledge to be better, to be more. As I consider all that our community has experienced this semester, three things come to mind.

We want to be great. Truly. I do believe that people show up wanting to be their very best. I don't think that too many people plan their lives thinking - "I'll just phone it in today." We want to be all of the things that we raise our hand during initiation and promise to be: honorable; loving; just; learners; diligent; noble; loyal; inclusive.

We sometimes forget to follow our plans. Congruence is our biggest challenge. We make these promises and we forget. We forget that we choose to be better. When we hear that "Greeks are sending people to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.", we respond with, "Everyone does that." We should be responding with an affirmation that we promised to be better than average. Our oath, our promise, calls us to be that all of the time. When we fall short, we remind ourself and each other that we have a plan. We have a mission. We have values. We can't forget them. We can't pull them out when they are convenient for us. I remember standing in the dining room of the Theta house during initiation and hearing the President explain what our coat of arms stood for - each part meaning something really important to the experience of being a member of Kappa Alpha Theta. I also remember forgetting to follow those words as I chose to not study enough for a class, as I judged others, as I didn't hold myself in the highest regard.

Being above average means being it all of the time. Consistency is the key to being more than average. Some days, I don't feel like being great. There have been some things over the past month that have given me pause. Those moments where you wonder, "Why am I caring so much when there is a loud voice that isn't?" As leaders, you will have resistance. You will have moments of joy and pain. You will have temptation to not be consistent. Holding to who you are and what your organization stands for matters - all of the time. Consistency brings us to authentic greatness. When it is easy, and when it is difficult.

As we wrap up finals this week, I wish you all well. Summer is often a busy time of work, internships, vacation, classes. I hope that it also finds you with a few moments of reflection. The opportunity to think about your oath, the greatness you have been called to, and the ways that you live it out. "No one takes an oath to be average."

Paz.

When I Almost Moved to St. Louis

As I sat a gate C28 waiting to board my delayed flight from Dallas/Fort Worth to San Diego, there was a family with a screaming 1 year old. There were about 50 of us sitting there and we were listening to a continual scream. I watched as the parents handed off the baby and then walked to hallway. I didn’t see

how far they went, just that the screaming became more faint for a while. American Airlines customers were already cranky… And, to be honest, I was also a little cranky. After a week away from home, I was irritated at the delay and the noise was not helping. Comments started coming from people, “I hope that baby isn’t on our flight.”, “Why don’t they do something.”

This reminded me of the time we almost moved to St. Louis. We were flying home from a vacation/volunteer meeting with our then 1 ½ year old daughter. She screamed the entire flight from Indy to St. Louis. The ENTIRE time. As our pediatrician’s suggestion we had given her some baby Benadryl to help her sleep/rest. No dice. Nothing but screaming. We were in the bulkhead seats (I can picture it exactly!) and got off the plane with her car seat, bags, etc. I turned to the Reverend and said tearfully, “We are moving to St. Louis. I CANNOT get back on a plane. We could be happy here.” I was red, sweaty, tearful, self-conscious and had a headache. People were staring and making snide comments.

What do these two horrendous tales have in common? ALL PEOPLE wanted it to stop? Truth. The message here, though, is how easy it is to forget what it feels like to be in someone else’s shoes. Doesn’t this happen all of the time in our community? Here you are dealing with a risk management problem, in crisis, overwhelmed. Next thing you know, it is a few semesters later and you are irritated that someone else finds themselves in the same position. This doesn’t just happen around crisis. It is pretty much a universal. We easily forget that others may experience the world in the EXACT same way that we have in the past.

Our University community has been shaken in the past few months. It seems to me that this is the time when we should be supporting one another the most. Remembering those times when we felt alone, stressed, overwhelmed. A time when we reach out and develop a “me, too” attitude.

And… when the parent came back, baby still screaming, I caught his eye. He got a nod and a smile. Me, too, sir. Me, too.

Self Talk and iPhone Games

Last week I was visiting a friend with whom I often play the obsessive online game of Scramble With Friends. One night as I was checking email, I heard all of this talking. Kids were in bed and it wasn't her voice I heard. "Outstanding, good, good, great" was what I was hearing. Turns out she was playing with her volume turned on. Never one to welcome additional noise, this was a new experience for me. As I play Scramble, it is silent. I stopped and listened for nearly a minute. Affirmations were flying at her left and right. The greatest of which was, "stupendous!"

What would life be like if we had a little soundtrack that provided us positive feedback. Not a conscience that gave us the yea or nay, but a genuine affirmation reinforcing us, cheering us on. Some of you may be cringing with the thought of false compliments... But that is different than what I am describing. You don't get a "stupendous!", you earn it. What I am really talking about something genuine that could combat for what many of us, myself included, is negative self talk.

Self talk is the inner dialogue we have as we go throughout the day. If an error is made on something we created, what do you say in your mind? Is it, "oh, man, that's a bummer."? Or, is it, "I am so stupid, I always do this."? Very easily we beat ourselves up over the smallest of things. And, that kind of fight and negativity becomes a habit. Without much intentional thought, we are there... Reinforcing this horrible, negative message about your greatest asset- you!

We live in a world where criticism is doled out face to face, via text, by tweet. Those messages can impact us. Subtly, but ever present, there are messages to us. "You Failed" is one I recently encountered playing a different iPhone game. While, of course, a game doesn't determine if I have failed (or, more significantly, if I consider myself a failure), there is a power in that message. If I have had a trying week where nothing seems to go right, a fraternity member is angry at me, I was impatient with a friend, and make an error on a project I am tasked with completing... What happens in my mind when I consider it all collectively? My self talk can easily shift to, "What is wrong with me? I am a failure at everything I try. I am so dumb to have made that mistake." In those moments, I need my own cheering section telling me that I am good, great, stupendous! While that personal cheering section doesn't often materialize in the form of people, I can choose to work on my self talk. I can choose to be more patient with myself and talk to myself with the grace and mercy that I deserve.

Do We Really Know?

Yesterday I was sitting in seat 25C of an Alaska Airlines jet mentally preparing for a few days of vacation visiting a dear friend. One of the flight attendants had caught my attention as I boarded the plane. He reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t quite place it. 

While my job doesn’t call for me to travel extensively, I would consider myself to be one that could go in the “Expert” line at security. I settled into my seat as the plane loaded and started doing my own thing. The captain’s voice filled the plane and the talking stopped while he gave his spiel. He handed off to someone else and the safety portion of the program commenced. I prepared to tune out, but the flight attendant that reminded me of someone was standing about 10 rows ahead of me. (Side note: The smirky smile and total disdain for the peasants riding in coach helped me connect which alumnus he brought to mind – one of my favorites.) I watched as the voice overhead reviewed the exit doors, the colorful brochure, the inflatable vest, etc. He had just finished waving his fingers to demonstrate our exit plan when something happened. The passengers gave up listening. Side chatter began and the volume grew to a point that I could almost not make out the directions droning on throughout the cabin. Intrigued by people in general, I watched my fella standing in the aisle as he finished his demonstration. Smirky smile in place throughout. He saw me watching and I swear I could see him

mentally roll his eyes. It was almost as if to say, “Well, the two of us listening will get out ok.” For, you see, our fellow passengers had checked out and stopped listening. They thought they knew what was being said: what the plan was in case of an emergency, what to do, how to do it and so they made assumptions and a choice to believe that what they “knew” would be applicable in the future.

Now, I am not an expert on airline safety. But I am someone who reads about, thinks about and studies the human condition. More often than not, I find myself in a place like my fellow passengers. I think I know what’s being communicated so I disengage and check out. Most of the time it works out for me. (I mean, there are only so many ways to exit a plane.) But, sometimes it does not. As I sat, watched, listened two truths came to mind.

First - when you are the giver of information, sometimes the audience doesn’t want to hear it. Our role is to press through and deliver what we know to be the important, sometimes life-saving, messages. It is ok to do it with a smirky smile, but be sure when you do so it is with the confidence that your message is what those who have entrusted you to lead them need to hear. Press through, especially if you know that what you are sharing is essential. Have humor, find joy, but deliver what needs to be shared.

Second – as those being led, we often assume we know what is being shared. We think we know, but we don’t always. We talk over those leading us with full confidence that “we’ve got this”. But, what do we miss when we approach leadership in this way? When we do this, we sometimes miss the real message. Or, sometimes just as significant, the secondary message. When not in the moment, we can also reflect that our behavior is not kind or polite. But, it is the norm. Right? I mean, why do I need to listen to this spiel, I’ve done this before. Well, maybe… Consider this - for all of the times I have been on an airplane and heard the safety speech, I have never actually had to exit the plane during a crash, put on a life vest, open that airplane door in the exit row. I think I know, but maybe I really don’t.

Happy travels to you all!

Exciting Your Spirit

I spent last weekend at a conference for fraternity and sorority members that was put on by an organization committed to leadership and values. When I stop to think about that fact, I am in awe of the reality. During the conference, I was able to lead three different sessions that were driven by the idea of considering things in a different way. When I saw the photo below, it captured my intention.

"Respond to every call that excites your spirit." -Rumi

What excites your spirit? What makes you want to work harder so that you can lay a road for others to follow? What makes you want to be more? What makes you pause and consider who you are becoming?

I want our fraternity and sorority community to be a place where all of those questions are asked. A place where, together, the answers are explored. I want to see us thinking and considering more than this moment. I want us to feel valued, connected, not so alone and isolated. I ventured into the land of Facebook and posed these questions. Below are some excerpts of the responses I received.

• The opportunity to create something that solves a problem or issue excites my spirit most. ... When we solve problems, the solution can become the tool for those behind us to build with. 
• People who have laid the road before me AND reached back, grabbed my hand and said, "You're coming! And you can do it!"
• (Knowing) that what I was doing was helping someone else. Even just one person, knowing that what I am doing is even making someone think or reflect - even if they're not putting that into action- that makes me want to keep doing what I am doing. 
• Knowing that each hour is a new hour and each day is a new day. Each minute is an opportunity to start over...  want to not just be myself, but be the best me that I can possibly be. I want to be a trailblazer. 
• I find the most thrilling moments come from doing something new and doing it well.
• Knowing that what I do creates a more level playing field, a more just world.

What I appreciate about these responses is that they are grounded in possibility. They all reflect movement, change, discovery. These are the important things to remember. This is our focus. Not referrals to the Greek Discipline Board, struggles with those not attending things when they are supposed to, not who said what to whom. This is the perspective I choose to have. This is the place that I want us to go. Now, today, and each day thereafter.

Finding Silly In The Serious

One of my favorite television shows in syndication is Seinfeld. I am fully aware that I have now lost 90% of my primary audience's interest since this show originally aired sometime between your conception and the 2nd grade. Hang with me a minute, it will become relevant.

Seinfeld (and cast) were masters at noticing the every day moments in life that are funny. Things that all of us say, do, think that are at best silly and at most downright ridiculous. I suppose my draw to the show is my ability to find the silly in the serious.

I am drawn to laughter. It is essential for my soul to feel complete. And, by laughter I don't mean that smirky smile you sometimes produce. I mean the a little too loud, take your breath away moment. When nothing else matters but the silliness in front of you. In order for me to truly laugh, I have to take some risk. Perhaps others will look at me, judge me. Perhaps they can't find silly in the serious.

One of my new personal projects is spending intentional time considering "What if..." Like you, I am sometimes overwhelmed with the tasks that sit before me. The seriousness of walking through life with one another, the seriousness of people making destructive decisions, the seriousness of personal injury and pain. To combat that feeling of being overwhelmed, I think about "what if..." What if we were a fraternity and sorority community that focused on two things: Connection and Common Purpose? What if the main thing we worried about was each other? I think that if the focus of our fraternity and sorority community became connection, a lot of our other concerns would melt away. If our members felt secure, deeply secure, in their relationships and their organization's purpose we wouldn't need to worry about all the things that keep me awake at night.

Think about it some. Don't be afraid to be silly. Find the joy in the seriousness of all the stress you carry as a student leader. Consider, truly consider, "What if..." And, then, let me know what you come up with!

Happy Passover and Happy Easter to you all!

Perspective & UGA

Last week 47 students and 3 advisors packed up and headed to Ramona, CA for the 2013 Ultimate Greek Adventure. Fraternity and sorority leaders gathered and talked about The Radical Leap. As we sat in the meeting room and considered the tenants of LEAP, I was reminded of this very important truth... Perspective is everything.

In his book The Radical Leap, Farber talks about Inspiring Audacity. In the midst of that he outlines what he calls the "OS!M" aka the Oh S*#t! Moment. I have heard it described as that pain in your gut. That churning of your stomach. That moment when you know that you are at the edge of doing something truly outstanding. It scares you, it excites you, it overwhelms you, it affirms you. Those are the best/worst moments of my life.

At UGA there was much debate dialogue about different issues in the fraternity/sorority community. The discussion was important to have and I think some students felt heard in a way that they hadn't before. I remember having similar conversations as an undergraduate. Hours and hours of trying to figure out how to change a culture, how to build experiences for our members that challenged them to be better men and women, how to work with/around the "administration". As I sat with a student this week and asked how they liked the UGA experience, they shared their OS!M. Much like my experience so many years ago, theirs was the same. The student shared, "My 'Moment' was realizing that maybe the intention of some of our changes is to protect us and keep us safe." As I asked what came next, it was clear that the stomach muscles were tightened as the reply came, "I need to help explain that to others."

The Ultimate Greek Adventure... Inspiring conversations and OS!M's for 9 years. Get ready to LEAP!

UGA 2013