The Voice of an Alumna

This week's post comes from an alumna that always makes me smile and filled my days with laughter during her tenure at USD. Parisa is a small woman with a powerful voice that she continues to use to make the world a better place. What a gift that she was willing to share her thoughts on "What did being a sorority member teach you?" I hope you enjoy her story as much as I did - both in living it and reading it now. Cheers!


            Ever since watching Legally Blonde as a young girl I knew I wanted to follow Elle’s footsteps and become President of my sorority then go on to law school. I actually did accomplish both goals. During formal recruitment freshman year at USD I fell in love with Alpha Phi; the members, the philanthropy and of course their fabulous room decorations and songs. Funny thing looking back now that I am attending law school in New Orleans, one of the days of recruitment the Alpha Phis were dressed in Mardi Gras colors. Even my Alpha Phi days were foreshadowing my eventual move to Louisiana.

            From the beginning I became involved in everything I could. Fall of my junior year I went abroad to Florence, Italy. As much as I enjoyed the food, the culture, the travelling around and the fact that I was living in Europe for four months, I missed the sense of belonging and community that Alpha Phi had provided for me. It was then that my decision to run for President became definite.

            Being President of a sorority is a challenging yet rewarding job. Actually it’s a cross between a job and being a mother type figure (kind of like Dorota in Gossip Girl-I really hope I’m not too old that making Gossip Girl references has become irrelevant). Not only are you managing the Executive board, overseeing the other officers, and looking out for the well-being and morale of the general chapter, you also are on call at all hours of the day and night in case someone needs you. If a chapter member gets sick during an event you are the one responsible to pick her up from detox. If a member needs someone to confide in with an issue that they aren’t ready to open up to their friends about yet, you are the one there for her. If a member needs a place to crash at the beach for the night, you are there for her. The list is ongoing and no matter how much you want to go back to bed when you get that 3 AM phone call from a chapter member, you are the first to be there for her.  In addition not only are you responsible to your own chapter, but you also need to check in with the chapter advisors, the USD Greek advisor (the wonderful Mandy Womack who served as my personal therapist during my year as President), and the Alpha Phi International office. It was a year of growing up. I as a 21-year-old individual was responsible for the lives of all of these young women. If I did not fully execute my responsibilities I would personally be held liable as well as the sorority itself.

            I met so many people and made so many friends who are still important in my life within the chapter and outside the chapter. One of the most proud moments of my life was the day at the Alpha Phi International Conference where I was handed the Eta Rho flag and lined up to walk into the room where the International President, board members, and the incredible woman who had memorized the ENTIRE initiation ritual were waiting. I couldn’t believe that I was there representing my chapter among all these other women who had accomplished so much. Sisterhood is not just within your own chapter; sisterhood expands to every woman who knows that secret handshake and that secret password. It also extends to other Greeks. It is a special and unique bond that you simply cannot describe to a non-Greek member. Just last weekend I was at a sorority sister’s wedding and could not stop talking to Jenna, who is a new chapter advisor about what is going on in the chapter and who is planning on running for which position in the upcoming election. Her saint like non-Greek fiancé stood there and gave his input as well, showing that Alpha Phi becomes a lifestyle for all of those close to you in your life.

            Joining Alpha Phi was the absolute best decision of my life I have ever made. Being an Alpha Phi was not just my four years of undergrad, it is now and forever a part of me. I know that today I am a better, stronger, well rounded, and more responsible woman because of the lessons Alpha Phi taught me from being a better listener to giving back to the community. I will always cherish each and every memory I made during those four magical years and continue to live out the ideals Alpha Phi instilled in me.

The Voice of an Alumnus

This weekend, we welcome back alumni and alumnae from USD to Homecoming. As I look back on my 18 years of serving this community, there are many alums that come to mind as I consider the work of making men and women "better" through the fraternity/sorority experience. I have invited a few of them to share about their experience. The first is an alumnus that I met during my first few years as a Greek Advisor. I have since had the pleasure of watching him circle back to USD as an advisor. Geno brought a sense of kindness and laughter to every group he led as an undergraduate... His reflection certainly matches my memory of his tenure at USD. Delt was, for him, a place to belong and grow as a leader. For that, I am proud.

Without a doubt, my decision to go Greek shaped who I am today.  As a freshman at USD, I encountered a lot of new experiences, both good and bad.  Like most people my age, I was looking for something to enhance my college experience (parties, a sense of brotherhood, and opportunities to socialize with the fairer sex).  At the same time, I also wanted to join something where I could be myself and have a sense of belonging.  Obviously, I got much more than what I was initially looking for.  

I joined Delta Tau Delta as a sophomore and right away, I felt empowered to contribute something right away.  I held a variety of positions within the chapter and on IFC, as I really enjoyed ALL aspects of Greek life.  Looking at my overall experience as a Delt, I met people I probably wouldn’t have ever met anywhere else or even be friends with had we not shared the bond of being brothers.  However, the uniqueness of my chapter allowed me to be associated with men from all walks of life (different social backgrounds, military experience, ethnicities, and even sexual orientation).  Being part of a Greek organization is not always a rose garden, as there are hurdles to overcome when working with a group of 30 odd college age males.  Dealing with different personalities, working with people from different organizations, and compromising for the greater good, were all obstacles I encountered.  

Greek life is truly a "get out what you put in" type of experience, and my involvement in my chapter gave me an invaluable lesson in organizational leadership.  It allowed me to work for my chapter’s national headquarters after graduation and also assist me with my job search.  Networking is key to all aspects of your professional life and my Greek experience gave me a head start in networking.  Years later, I continue to apply all these lessons to my current job.  

My Greek experience continues to have a lasting impact on my life.  Some of my best friends today are Delts.  I married of my fraternity brothers’ sister (an ADPi from USC).  Living in San Diego, we both volunteered as advisors to our respective chapters at USD.  And joyfully, my wife and I have two Delt legacies.  When it comes time to talk to my sons about college and Greek life, I will of course tell them to check out the Delts.  But most importantly, I will stress to them that should they decide to go Greek, they need to find a group of men that they are most comfortable with and will offer them the best experience not only during their time in college but afterwards.

Natural Consequences

July 2013 brought a sad lesson to the Womack home. The teen Womack, while visiting her Grandmother, lost her 2 week old retainer. Newly freed teeth from the confines of braces were suddenly without the orthodontist's only "rule" - wear this retainer unless you are eating. She sent me a panicky text, knowing it was a big deal. I then called the orthodontist and found out that there was
nothing to be done on a Thursday afternoon when the patient was in Orange County. Further, they were closed on Friday and would not be able to see her until Monday. I explained that Meg was scheduled to be out of town for a week serving as a camp counselor. After conferral with the doctor, the decision was made - Monday appointment it was!

Unfortunately, going to camp late was not an option. Meg had to cancel her plans and miss the week of serving as a counselor. She was disappointed. But, in fairness, she wasn't angry. With the newly freed teeth, she had to have the retainer. Not going to camp was a natural consequence of her leaving it on a napkin in a restaurant. The nicest part, from a parent perspective, was that there was no need to talk it through or punish the behavior - she got it. Her actions had a direct consequence.

The last two weekends have brought a similar fate to some of our community. Some of our organizations have found the buses that are picking up and dropping off in Mission from registered
social events are being greeted by SDPD. The overnight parking lot has been filled with more than a few citations for Minor in Consumption/Minor in Possession as our members are travelled to and fro in a variety of costumes. These citations require an appearance in court and some significant financial cost. The response from our community has been interesting to watch.

This week alone, three different staff or student leaders have told me that they heard that I was calling SDPD to alert them to the bus locations and times. (Side note: Not true for anyone working at USD.) Several student leaders have been indignant that the police department were infringing upon their rights and demanded something be done about it. One idea has included having an attorney present. The chapter advisors group gathered this week and we discussed the citations issued over the past two weekends. After hearing it all, the response was that this was a natural consequence. If students choose to drink underage, it is a risk. It is illegal to consume alcohol under the age of 21, and while we focus a lot of our energy on educating our members on responsible drinking, it is breaking the law. So, another lesson of natural consequences - if you chose to drink underage, you also have to find yourself in a place where if you get a citation you are disappointed, but not angry.

As you read and think through this, I would like to leave you with another Womack home truth... "Don't blame other people for your problems." Works for the teen, works for our community.

Liar, Liar! Pants on Fire!

Wasn't life easier when we played by playground rules and when someone told a big, fat lie we just screamed, "Liar, liar! Pants on fire!"?

Life has become so much more complex.

This is an area of growing discussion around the Womack house. It seems that the youngest of my offspring has discovered one of life's universal truths: If you are trustworthy, it is easy to lie and get away with it. She has also realized another important fact: When you are caught telling a lie, no one trusts you to tell the truth in the future. Imagine a peaceful Saturday morning. The sun has just come up and a sweet little voice is inches from my face as I sleep in my bed. I hear, "Mom, can I watch TV?" I am instantly awake. Not so much from the noise, but from the overwhelming scent of chocolate that has invaded my personal space. "Little one, why are you eating chocolate so early and without permission?" The response, "I'm not." We recently had the two small boys of our dear friends over for an afternoon. One came racing around the corner following a visit to the bathroom. "Did you wash your hands?" The response, "Yup, Ms. Mandy." When I asked to see his hands, he hightailed it right back into the sink. In both of these relationships, I now look twice. I know that Z sneaks candy and I know that A doesn't like to wash his hands. I am sure both had previously done both things... probably many times.

It is a problem that plagues the best (and most innocent) among us. And, well, those that are not quite so young and innocent.

I encountered several moments this week around this topic and, trust me, it is complex. It is a complex, tangled mess. I share with you this fact about me, but in a non self-righteous way: I very rarely lie. I have MANY bad habits, but lying is not one of them. Early on I learned that if you don't want to say the answer to something, you just tell the person, "I am not comfortable/ready/wanting to talk about that." I find that it is so much easier than creating a habit that requires me to remember who I told what to when. The moments of this week involved some of those direct choices to tell the truth or lie, but also several were more subtle. They were the lies that involve the omission of facts. You know the scenario I mean, right? Answers to questions that are not false, but also not the entire story. Some days I feel like conversations are a treasure map and that if I find enough clues I can get to what I am seeking.

We are organizations built on values like truth, honor, and integrity. How do we hold the reality of our world with the reality of what we pledged to uphold at initiation? As we grow as a community, can we challenge ourselves to grow individually? Perhaps it is around big issues, or perhaps it is around smaller things. Either way, challenge yourself to not lie the next time someone asks a question you don't want to answer. Don't allow yourself to be sucked into the world of pretending things are bigger and better than what you are. You were selected to join your organization because they liked YOU for who YOU ARE.

And, I may just try to bring back the "Pants on fire!" taunt if I catch you. ;)

Bumper Sticker Living

This is a glorious picture that I found with a quick Google search. There is a car that parks on one of the main streets in my neighborhood that has a similar look. I wish I was bold enough to pull over and take a high quality picture. Each time I see it, I have the same reaction to the image below, "Wow - this person has a lot to express." As I take in this image, there are messages of being fiscally conservative, images of women in the American flag, an outline of our country filled with a rainbow flag, a message to keep abortion legal, a commitment to music, a few shout outs to spirituality and science... Whoa. That is a lot as you are driving your truck around town. 

I believe it was during my partner's tenure as a Seminary student that we pulled up to the light at Garnet in PB behind a car with a bumper sticker that read, "Libraries Change Lives". He started laughing and asked if I thought that he should change his graduate work to being a librarian. Cheeky. What a powerful statement that fit on such a little sticker. Really - this person had a strong opinion. They were passionate enough to find/receive a bumper sticker and then take the time to actually apply it to their car. All I know about them is this statement. The whole thing got me thinking... Are we more than Bumper Sticker Living? Or, is our entire world view opinion summed up in a clever statement that we put out to others? Two main concepts trouble me about this phenomenon.

Bumper Sticker Living does not invite explanation or rationale. Do we interact in a world where our total sentiment is expressed in a sentence and possibly a graphic? Where cliches are the go-to for explaining complex and deep issues? When we wear a shirt, make a Facebook post, tweet at someone - these allow others to make leaps and decisions based on how they interpret us. If I follow that train of logic, I end up not really being able to full share my thoughts or opinions. Bumper sticker living keeps us from sharing, but also from hearing others.

Which brings me to #2 - Bumper Sticker Living limits our action. As we talk about leadership, we often/always talk about change. If I am communicating with others via sound bytes, how can we ever collaborate and develop a sense of commonality that brings change. I was talking with a student today about the difference between sympathy (I feel bad for you), empathy (I feel bad with you), and compassion (I feel called to action). I know that we, as a Fraternity and Sorority Community, can embrace the approach of compassion - it just requires more than Bumper Sticker Living.

As I close out today, I am mindful of all that has changed in our world since September 11, 2001. I know that you all have a lot to say - just like my neighbor and their car. As we remember those that sacrificed and were killed 12 years ago, I hope that we embrace our freedom to create a world that stops at what fits on a bumper sticker. 

The Foil

Yesterday was the first day of classes here at USD for the Fall semester. (Hence my delay in posting for this week.) I spent much of the day greeting students who were excited to be back in this element. Pleased to see their friends after a summer away. Eager for what this next term holds. I, too, was filled with a sense of energy and excitement as we officially "opened" another year at USD. Just before 11am, I was reminded of a concept I had considered the week before - the concept of a foil.

Definition of Foil: A foil is generally a character whose traits emphasize the strengths of another character, usually the protagonist. For example, the often short-sighted opinions of Dr. Watson emphasize the brilliance of Sherlock Holmes. Less usual is a plot foil, a subplot that contrasts with the main plot and brings it into sharper focus. The light-hearted romance between Nerissa and Gratiano in The Merchant of Venice highlights the more serious courtship of Portia and Bassanio. The term "foil" comes from the practice of placing a piece of metallic foil under a gemstone to make it appear to shine more. (chegg.com)

Just as I was walking into my 11am meeting, my partner called my cell phone. Since this is not a typical thing, I paused outside the door of my meeting to answer. He had just finished a pastoral visit with our friends. He was letting me know that within 24 hours, our friend would be going into surgery to remove a baseball size brain tumor that was unknown to anyone just 36 hours earlier. Sadness, fear, grief all gripped me in that moment. A foil to all of the excitement and light around me.

Last week, I received a call from a friend who is volunteering with a suicide crisis hotline. There had been a particularly difficult call. A variety of emotions were competing for attention - sadness, empathy, compassion, pride and happiness. The outcome was a foil to the knowledge that my friend had done good work, said the right things, and was resting in the reality that there was not more that a person could do.

This concept is where I rest this week. Where does the bad sharpen the image of the good? Does it make it sweeter, sharper, more real? Does all that is around you draw out your strengths as a leader? As we seek to bring change to the world, does our passion and intensity contrast the complacency of others? 

As we engage the world around us, I wholeheartedly believe - YES! As we celebrate together, we also prepare for discourse. As we work to grow and learn, we may argue and grow frustrated. That is our foil as organizations. As individuals, you may be elected to the position you have dreamed of while your parents announce a divorce. You achieve a 4.0 only to discover betrayal from a loved one. This is the foil of individuals. But, we are here together to reflect that greater light... The "practice of placing a piece of metallic foil under a gemstone to make it appear to shine more."

Blessings to you all, my friends, as we begin a semester together.

Celebrating Your Craft

There is a moment of perfect peace that overcomes me when I am in the presence of someone who is excellent at their craft (skilled work, product, talent). Yesterday brought the completion of a 2 day training for Emerging Leader course Instructors.  At the suggestion of a colleague, a person I didn't know was secured to train the group on the process of facilitation. Grace was outstanding. An intriguing mix of gentle and authoritative; open to possibilities and directed. Watching her deliver her session was a moment of perfect peace. She is excellent at her craft and it was a pleasure to experience it.

I have always had a "wish" to be truly excellent at something. (I am sure someone can analyze my first-born, hyper-achieving statement...) Don't get me wrong, I am good (some days great) at a lot of things. But, I mean truly excellent. When I watch a professional athlete this often comes to mind for me. What would it be like to win a gold medal? Be the winner of Wimbledon? And, I  will continue to wonder since I was the only junior on the frosh/soph tennis team at my high school. (Don't feel too bad for me, I was promoted to JV for my senior year...) While I have not achieved a gold medal (or even a trophy), I have learned a few tricks over the years from watching others.

1. Excellence in your craft comes from hard work. Years ago a family friend married a professional athlete. I was blown away by how many hours were spent not only practicing, but studying old recordings of races and developing new strategies. I suppose my assumption was that after winning a gold medal, that kind of intensity could slow down. The same is true for student leaders. Your fraternity isn't going to stay or become excellent if you sit back and rest. Hard work is essential for developing your sisterhood, your philanthropy event, your recruitment.

2. People who are at the top of their craft have others that inspire them. I have said many times that I am least satisfied/most worried when I am the smartest/most creative/funniest person in the room. Part of being great is recognizing others in that arena. For some this may be in the form of a competitor (Who will be Greek Man of the Year?), for others it is a person that you aspire to become more like (Get to know your chapter advisor!). As leaders, we have to surround ourselves with others that are better than we are. This is how we hone and refine our craft.

3. Those that are the best recognize that there is more to life than their craft. I didn't have a chance to talk to Grace after her presentation, but I would imagine that being an excellent teacher and presenter is not what she uses to define herself. My friend who is an Olympian knows and lives in a way that demonstrates that his family is the most important thing in his life. Finding something that you can excel in is powerful. But, knowing who you are and why you matter is an entirely different topic. The same is true for you as a leader.

So, I leave you with this for consideration: Develop your craft. Know that I am cheering you on as you strive and achieve. And, in honor of "the speech that changed a nation" that was delivered 50 years ago today, reflect on this thought...

“If I cannot do great things, 

I can do small things in a great way” 

― Martin Luther King Jr.