Do We Really Know?

Yesterday I was sitting in seat 25C of an Alaska Airlines jet mentally preparing for a few days of vacation visiting a dear friend. One of the flight attendants had caught my attention as I boarded the plane. He reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t quite place it. 

While my job doesn’t call for me to travel extensively, I would consider myself to be one that could go in the “Expert” line at security. I settled into my seat as the plane loaded and started doing my own thing. The captain’s voice filled the plane and the talking stopped while he gave his spiel. He handed off to someone else and the safety portion of the program commenced. I prepared to tune out, but the flight attendant that reminded me of someone was standing about 10 rows ahead of me. (Side note: The smirky smile and total disdain for the peasants riding in coach helped me connect which alumnus he brought to mind – one of my favorites.) I watched as the voice overhead reviewed the exit doors, the colorful brochure, the inflatable vest, etc. He had just finished waving his fingers to demonstrate our exit plan when something happened. The passengers gave up listening. Side chatter began and the volume grew to a point that I could almost not make out the directions droning on throughout the cabin. Intrigued by people in general, I watched my fella standing in the aisle as he finished his demonstration. Smirky smile in place throughout. He saw me watching and I swear I could see him

mentally roll his eyes. It was almost as if to say, “Well, the two of us listening will get out ok.” For, you see, our fellow passengers had checked out and stopped listening. They thought they knew what was being said: what the plan was in case of an emergency, what to do, how to do it and so they made assumptions and a choice to believe that what they “knew” would be applicable in the future.

Now, I am not an expert on airline safety. But I am someone who reads about, thinks about and studies the human condition. More often than not, I find myself in a place like my fellow passengers. I think I know what’s being communicated so I disengage and check out. Most of the time it works out for me. (I mean, there are only so many ways to exit a plane.) But, sometimes it does not. As I sat, watched, listened two truths came to mind.

First - when you are the giver of information, sometimes the audience doesn’t want to hear it. Our role is to press through and deliver what we know to be the important, sometimes life-saving, messages. It is ok to do it with a smirky smile, but be sure when you do so it is with the confidence that your message is what those who have entrusted you to lead them need to hear. Press through, especially if you know that what you are sharing is essential. Have humor, find joy, but deliver what needs to be shared.

Second – as those being led, we often assume we know what is being shared. We think we know, but we don’t always. We talk over those leading us with full confidence that “we’ve got this”. But, what do we miss when we approach leadership in this way? When we do this, we sometimes miss the real message. Or, sometimes just as significant, the secondary message. When not in the moment, we can also reflect that our behavior is not kind or polite. But, it is the norm. Right? I mean, why do I need to listen to this spiel, I’ve done this before. Well, maybe… Consider this - for all of the times I have been on an airplane and heard the safety speech, I have never actually had to exit the plane during a crash, put on a life vest, open that airplane door in the exit row. I think I know, but maybe I really don’t.

Happy travels to you all!

Exciting Your Spirit

I spent last weekend at a conference for fraternity and sorority members that was put on by an organization committed to leadership and values. When I stop to think about that fact, I am in awe of the reality. During the conference, I was able to lead three different sessions that were driven by the idea of considering things in a different way. When I saw the photo below, it captured my intention.

"Respond to every call that excites your spirit." -Rumi

What excites your spirit? What makes you want to work harder so that you can lay a road for others to follow? What makes you want to be more? What makes you pause and consider who you are becoming?

I want our fraternity and sorority community to be a place where all of those questions are asked. A place where, together, the answers are explored. I want to see us thinking and considering more than this moment. I want us to feel valued, connected, not so alone and isolated. I ventured into the land of Facebook and posed these questions. Below are some excerpts of the responses I received.

• The opportunity to create something that solves a problem or issue excites my spirit most. ... When we solve problems, the solution can become the tool for those behind us to build with. 
• People who have laid the road before me AND reached back, grabbed my hand and said, "You're coming! And you can do it!"
• (Knowing) that what I was doing was helping someone else. Even just one person, knowing that what I am doing is even making someone think or reflect - even if they're not putting that into action- that makes me want to keep doing what I am doing. 
• Knowing that each hour is a new hour and each day is a new day. Each minute is an opportunity to start over...  want to not just be myself, but be the best me that I can possibly be. I want to be a trailblazer. 
• I find the most thrilling moments come from doing something new and doing it well.
• Knowing that what I do creates a more level playing field, a more just world.

What I appreciate about these responses is that they are grounded in possibility. They all reflect movement, change, discovery. These are the important things to remember. This is our focus. Not referrals to the Greek Discipline Board, struggles with those not attending things when they are supposed to, not who said what to whom. This is the perspective I choose to have. This is the place that I want us to go. Now, today, and each day thereafter.

Finding Silly In The Serious

One of my favorite television shows in syndication is Seinfeld. I am fully aware that I have now lost 90% of my primary audience's interest since this show originally aired sometime between your conception and the 2nd grade. Hang with me a minute, it will become relevant.

Seinfeld (and cast) were masters at noticing the every day moments in life that are funny. Things that all of us say, do, think that are at best silly and at most downright ridiculous. I suppose my draw to the show is my ability to find the silly in the serious.

I am drawn to laughter. It is essential for my soul to feel complete. And, by laughter I don't mean that smirky smile you sometimes produce. I mean the a little too loud, take your breath away moment. When nothing else matters but the silliness in front of you. In order for me to truly laugh, I have to take some risk. Perhaps others will look at me, judge me. Perhaps they can't find silly in the serious.

One of my new personal projects is spending intentional time considering "What if..." Like you, I am sometimes overwhelmed with the tasks that sit before me. The seriousness of walking through life with one another, the seriousness of people making destructive decisions, the seriousness of personal injury and pain. To combat that feeling of being overwhelmed, I think about "what if..." What if we were a fraternity and sorority community that focused on two things: Connection and Common Purpose? What if the main thing we worried about was each other? I think that if the focus of our fraternity and sorority community became connection, a lot of our other concerns would melt away. If our members felt secure, deeply secure, in their relationships and their organization's purpose we wouldn't need to worry about all the things that keep me awake at night.

Think about it some. Don't be afraid to be silly. Find the joy in the seriousness of all the stress you carry as a student leader. Consider, truly consider, "What if..." And, then, let me know what you come up with!

Happy Passover and Happy Easter to you all!

Perspective & UGA

Last week 47 students and 3 advisors packed up and headed to Ramona, CA for the 2013 Ultimate Greek Adventure. Fraternity and sorority leaders gathered and talked about The Radical Leap. As we sat in the meeting room and considered the tenants of LEAP, I was reminded of this very important truth... Perspective is everything.

In his book The Radical Leap, Farber talks about Inspiring Audacity. In the midst of that he outlines what he calls the "OS!M" aka the Oh S*#t! Moment. I have heard it described as that pain in your gut. That churning of your stomach. That moment when you know that you are at the edge of doing something truly outstanding. It scares you, it excites you, it overwhelms you, it affirms you. Those are the best/worst moments of my life.

At UGA there was much debate dialogue about different issues in the fraternity/sorority community. The discussion was important to have and I think some students felt heard in a way that they hadn't before. I remember having similar conversations as an undergraduate. Hours and hours of trying to figure out how to change a culture, how to build experiences for our members that challenged them to be better men and women, how to work with/around the "administration". As I sat with a student this week and asked how they liked the UGA experience, they shared their OS!M. Much like my experience so many years ago, theirs was the same. The student shared, "My 'Moment' was realizing that maybe the intention of some of our changes is to protect us and keep us safe." As I asked what came next, it was clear that the stomach muscles were tightened as the reply came, "I need to help explain that to others."

The Ultimate Greek Adventure... Inspiring conversations and OS!M's for 9 years. Get ready to LEAP!

UGA 2013

Radical Empathy

One of my favorite fraternity presidents and his sidekick used to stop by my office on almost a weekly basis to "debate" different merits of fraternity life. The conversation always wrapped up the same way. They would assert and I would ask, "Tell me what this has to do with Virtue, Diligence and Brotherly Love?" They would take turns each week rattling off how Brotherly Love is defined and make the connection. They would draw on their own experience to show me how their new idea would make us a stronger community. Brotherly Love was almost always their "go to", and this idea of caring for others has led me to truly examine the idea of Radical Empathy.

Radical Empathy is what I saw from those two men. A willingness to exhibit, "True friendship; When a brother gets knocked down, you're the first one to pick him up." (according to my former president) In that process, we share some of ourselves.

About 8 years ago, a friend called me crying and asked me to pray for her goddaughter who had drowned. I have followed her journey (and her families experience) ever since via their blog. From there I saw other blogs of people who were caring for loved ones that were ill or recovering. As I saw them (and 'met' them), I would add them to my blog reader. I suppose that, in a distant way, I was there so that they weren't struggling alone. These moments give me perspective. There are a lot of alone people out there in our world. Another time, I was leading a train-the-trainers type session and was modeling how to execute an experiential activity. In that moment, I revealed to the group one of the ugliest parts of my story. I had assumed others had shared in that same experience. I stood alone, filled with embarrassment and shame, regret at having shared. This moment gave me perspective. There is power in knowing who you are, and a beauty in realizing that all of us have some "ugly" that made us who we are today. Those moments opened my eyes to be able to connect, share, be more aware of who I am. With that awareness, I am able to show greater empathy and understanding to those around me.

I received this book for my birthday this year from a wonderful friend...

Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, came alive for me in the Introduction. While reading these excerpts from an advice columnist named "Dear Sugar", I experienced her work around Radical Empathy. As I turned the pages, Dear Sugar pulled me into her world of do-overs and real talk. She addressed each letter to her with a genuine care and interest, but more importantly, with a Radical Empathy that communicates "I understand". As I consider the perspective I've been given, this is how I want to live. The writer of the introduction shares about Dear Sugar, "...she's offering something almost unheard of in our culture: Radical Empathy. People come to her in real pain and she ministers to them, by telling stories about her own life, the particular ways in which she's felt thwarted and lost, and how she got found again."

You, my fraternity and sorority friends, may be wondering - what does this have to do with our experience? I see this concept to be at the core of community. Take a moment and give yourself a report card on Radical Empathy. Take two moments and give your organization a grade. How did you do? Did you really care enough to sit down, truly listen and share a piece of your story with another? Did you go beyond, "I hear you" and move to "I am in it with you"? Is that idea of "brotherly love" yours?

Finally, as members, are we keeping perspective? When things happen, are you pausing and taking them in so that when the next thing occurs, you have perspective and something to share? We each have a story, a series of experiences that allows us to access deep places of connection with others. Because I naturally find people interesting, I am curious about them and seek that connection. When I ask questions and hear their story, I want Radical Empathy to be my response.

tiny beautiful things by Cheryl Strayed

Why? It is the right thing to do.

Last month I made a difficult decision. For the past 5 years, I have been closely monitoring the safety and wellness of our members. I have found it to be most at-risk at our overnight, out-of-town formals. There is a significant risk to our members' health with the environment that we cultivate. As we prepare to begin a new semester, we need to do something different. What has happened is, in my heart and mind, the right thing to do.

The desire to be more, be bigger, to push yourself is what can create outstanding leaders that bring phenomenal change. When that desire translates into your experience at social events, some of the worst scenarios possible emerge. What does it mean to be more, be bigger, to push yourself on a weekend away? We are more than our social events. We are friendship. We are brotherhood and sisterhood. We are a family. We are leadership. We are service to the community and one another. We are outstanding. We care. We want each other to be safe and healthy. And, so, a new University policy was proposed.

The new proposed policy that would limit overnight events (and, essentially, end out of town fraternity formals) has made me consider how I would have viewed this from my 20 year old self. My 40 year old self feels that I am doing the right thing. My 40 year old self has also been zinged by many. The zing has ranged - anger, frustration, arguing and one person essentially calling me a bad Student Affairs professional that doesn't care. Bold. I mean, really bold. Each of these interactions has caused me to think and consider more. And, for that, I am appreciative. These thoughts have led me to this piece.

Dear Twenty Year Old Self,
The world is at your fingertips. You are smart, you are strong, you are powerful beyond measure. But, I am worried about you. And, I wish there was a way that I could convey to you now all that I know twenty years down the road.

Over the next year, you are going to encounter a lot of things. I want you to be braver than I was... I want you to do the right thing.

• When you walk by that fraternity house with the the windows covered with plastic bags, do something. Don't just walk by and think, "That doesn't seem right", call someone or tell your advisor. You may be able to save that chapter, or at least the harm inflicted on those inside that facility.
• When you fall off the lifeguard tower in the backyard of a fraternity house, don't refuse to go the hospital. Your friends don't deserve the stress and pressure of sitting with you all night to be sure you aren't concussed.
• You don't have the social media outlets we do today... But, mind what you say. People will remember your snarky attitude. Being hurtful to others isn't going to get you anywhere that you will be proud of in the end.
• Watch those around you. When you go out of town for events, when you go down the street to parties - watch out for them and help, if needed.
• Tell your friends when their significant other is cheating on them. You do those you love no favor by turning a blind eye. Be courageous enough to have the tough conversation. It is better now, before marriages and children are involved.
• It is not normal or healthy for someone to only eat popcorn and mustard. Care enough about yourself to not get caught up in the "how funny" moment of that kind of thing and get help.

The above points are all "moments", but there is also the boldness by which you live. I know, you don't like rules and think that you know best. Sometimes, others will try to care for you in a way that you don't enjoy. When that happens, try to expand yourself to see it from another side. When others tell you that they care for you and want what's best for your life, believe them - even if you don't agree with what's happening. Know that they are feeling a responsibility far greater than you are in this moment.

And, sweet Twenty Year Old Self, know that those of us on the "other side" understand. We are here and ready to welcome you back into community when you are ready. It is never too late to call and fix relationships. It is never too late to apologize. It is never too late to say, "I understand now." I wish all of the best for you as you navigate toward the completion of your college career. 

Love,

Your Forty Year Old Self

The Power of (One) Four

Welcome back, USD Friends! Well, to some of you it seems that you have been here forever! Sorority recruitment does eliminate all sense of time, right? It is great to have the campus full and active again. I have missed your energy and presence.

I often hear commercials, clichés, etc. talking about "the Power of One". And, I do have to say that I strongly believe that one person can make a difference in any situation. But, this is a story about the Power of Four. And, really an answer to the question of:

Picture it - a sense of peace and quiet has overtaken the University Center. The 334 women that matched during formal recruitment have received their bids and been welcomed into their new chapters. In addition to the 10 representatives that entered into the Forums to cheer, smile and greet, there were about 600 women outside with noise makers and merriment. The volume was out of this world... and absolute perfection! All of these folks had scattered to the various ends of campus to take chapter photos and begin Bid Day celebrations. The Panhellenic Advisor and I were just picking up a few last things before heading back to the Student Leadership and Involvement Center. As we walked into the foyer of the University Center, I noticed the quiet. Then I noticed something amazing.

Outside of the UC were four women picking up trash. Their friends had moved on and in their wake was a mess. Streamers, water bottles, trash from lunches long forgotten. And, there they were. They were meeting an obvious need... One that nearly 1000 other women had just walked by.

I didn't recognize the first two women I saw. The third was a student who had served as a Sigma Rho Chi the previous year. Here she was today, representing Gamma Phi Beta, along with her sisters for Bid Day. And, here she was today, with three friends representing all that Gamma Phi Beta stands for. Panhellenic had not asked them to stay, and I am pretty sure that their chapter hadn't either. They saw something that needed to be done and stepped up. The Power of One Four.

So, while you may be reading this and thinking... "Big deal, they were picking up trash.", I want to encourage you to consider it as so much more. In that moment, I was reminded of the quality of student we have at USD, the quality of student we have in Greek Life. My eyes filled with tears as the exhaustion of the week set in, but knowing that they, too, were just as exhausted as I was in that moment. These moments are what I call "proud advisor" markers. I believe in "Love, Labor, Learning and Loyalty", but even more significant - I saw it in action.

Well done, ladies. Thank you for reminding me of why we exist.